You're as Young as You Feel and I Feel Like Wonder Woman

When I was 25 or 26, a couple of teenagers stole my car. My alert neighbor sounded the alarm and I came running around the corner just in time to see my car disappear down the alley. So, I took off.....ON FOOT. (cue "Eye of the Tiger" music from "Rocky", no wait, the theme from "Wonder Woman", yes!) I headed down my street hoping to see them exit the street parallel to ours so I'd know what direction they were headed and could tell the police. My dad was a cop at the time and was already on the phone with the department. I'm sure when my mother told him I took off on foot after them he just shook his head, but I'd like to think I impressed him a little when I came back and told him they were headed for the city. They caught the boys in a matter of minutes. Another victory for Wonder Woman!!! Oh and thanks to our men in blue, of course.

Okay, so now I'm 50. In the words of a very sage feline: "Big, fat, hairy deal." Can I still run? Just the other day I was in the middle of the woods and I thought my dog was dying. I picked him up (16 lbs.) and ran with him all the way home (about a 1/2 mile), which is where he started breathing normally again. So, I figure if I can survive that, I can handle a petty criminal. I imagine myself walking down Main Street and this larcenous teenager, with way too much time on his hands decides he's going to grab my gorgeous, handmade (ETSY) purse. This was his first mistake. There's nothing worth stealing IN my purse, but I LOVE my purse, I'm a one purse kind of woman...a rare breed. His second mistake was thinking that I'd let him take it because I'm a woman of a certain age. His third and most costly mistake? Not noticing my brand new New Balance running shoes....cue the theme to Wonder Woman!

Don't Make Me Laugh

Do you laugh at people when they fall down? I do. With the exception of the elderly and the infirmed, of course. But, I laugh the hardest when I'm the one doing the falling. I'm laughing right now thinking about a time I fell outside a restaurant 7 years ago. My girlfriends and I were walking out of the restaurant after eating dinner. We stopped to talk and say our goodbyes and the next thing I know I'm kissing the pavement. I laid there for a few seconds in disbelief, wondering why none of my friends were saying anything. I picked myself up, turned around to see three statues staring back at me and said, "Why aren't you laughing?  Did you see my underwear?" (because, of course, I was wearing a skirt). Eventually they got over their shock, but they didn't get the same charge out of it I did. I laughed all the way home, and even while my husband put antiseptic on my knees and hands. The amazing thing about the incident is one...I had nothing but water with dinner; two...I didn't sprain or break anything; and three...the object I fell off of was a wheelchair ramp.

Friends for the Ages

You don't realize just how important your girlfriends are, and the things they'll do for you, until you start to lose your mind or at least get to a certain age and think you're losing your mind. It's just so much easier when everyone in your group is about the same age and going through the same thing. You can take turns helping each other remember things like "What day is it?", "Where are we?" and my personal favorite, "What's your name again?" But what I really love about them is their patience with my inability to communicate when I'm having a REALLY bad day. When it takes me a half hour to get out one sentence....at least it would without their intervention. Or maybe they just like playing charades and word games. "It starts with a "t" and sounds like "uh". "The?" "Yes! That's it!" "What would I do without you guys?" And they even make nice excuses for me, to the waitress, when I'm banging my head on the table in frustration. "She's had just a little too much wine, honey", "Don't worry, we're bringing her back to the home right after lunch." Okay, so maybe I'm not the only one that's frustrated....but, soon it'll be my turn to help them, because that's what friends are for!

Yoda Speaks for Me

The other morning, my husband and I were having a very important discussion about current events or maybe it was the grocery list. I began to make this articulate point about the pathetic state of our Congress or how we should be eating less pork, and my brain decided to take a mini sabbatical and see what my mouth could do on its own. My mouth freaked. My husband said, "Did you just talk like Yoda?" I'm not sure what was more surprising to me, that I could speak like Yoda (which is kind of cool) or that my husband knew who Yoda was. This is a man who usually doesn't know Star Trek from Star Wars, from A Star is Born. I smiled, "Yoda, know you?" "Of course, he was that funny, furry, orange alien from the planet Ork," he said with pride. I just couldn't burst his bubble (I wouldn't know where to begin) ... someday ... find out he will.

Tissues are a Girl's Best Friend

If you're a woman, you know all about crying. Perhaps some of us are a little more experienced at it than others. That's why you won't see ME working as an emergency room nurse, counseling depressed people, or putting makeup on the dead. I consider myself an expert on the subject, crying, not putting makeup on the dead. It's just always come very easy to me, and now that I'm, ahem, older.....you would think I'd have a handle on it. Nope. When my girlfriend calls and wants me to go to a real "tearjerker" with her, I remind her of the "incident of 2004" where I had to be physically removed from the theater for sobbing uncontrollably. People threw popcorn at me! That's the last time I watch "Bambi". There are days when I can't get through a TV commercial without waterworks. I know the children need clean water, the animals need a good home, and we're depleting our forests.....where the Hell is that damned box of tissues? And will someone please turn off that television?! Tragedy struck the other morning....I emptied the vacuum canister onto the kitchen floor instead of the trash can....I had to run into the bathroom I was so distraught. More tragedy! Not enough tissues! I had to run around the house until I found some more, all the while becoming more hysterical. My husband had that look he gets like a mute deer caught in the headlights....wise to be mute. But, there is good news, besides that I'll be so old some day my tear ducts will just dry up, there is a sale on tissues at the local grocery store. All will be well again.

Going Nowhere

Ever walked into a room and forgotten why you went there? Sure, who hasn't? I've done that so many times, it was getting a little boring, so I needed to kick it up a notch. I was driving in my car (without a GPS) not too far from my house, headed for....well, somewhere I'm sure.....maybe I wanted to make my day a little more exciting by surprising myself with a mystery destination. But, for whatever reason (hormones!) I totally blanked on where I was headed. Being the calm, level-headed woman that I am (this is extremely hilarious if you know me) I didn't panic. I pulled over just in case I was having a stroke, although I was pretty sure if I could still drive, I wasn't. I'd already taken the online test for early Alzheimer's so I knew it wasn't that. Just as I was starting to think about aneurysms, like an epiphany from the heavens, I knew I was going to the library! As I drove to the library, I thought about how I could be better prepared for this in the future, because I knew with amazing, albeit brief clarity that this would not be an isolated hormonal incident. First, get a GPS and plug in my destination before I leave the safety of my home. Second, create an APP, maybe call it: "Where am I going?" ...if someone hasn't already and make lots of money because with the aging population this could become an epidemic!

Dangerous Dust Bunnies

I tripped over a dust bunny as I walked through the living room this morning.

Napoleon "Dust Bunny" Scibelli

Once I found my glasses and put them on I realized it was my little, fluffy Shih Tzu who had done the tripping. The good news is NO dogs (or dust bunnies) were hurt during this incident....the bad news is I was not so lucky. Mind you we're talking bumps and bruises and possibly strange pains that will come out of nowhere days from now, and I'll have no idea why because I will have completely forgotten about this fall. But, the other good news is I'm still young enough to fall without breaking a hip, which is a good thing because I seem to trip and bump into things on an almost daily basis. And yes, I am attributing this, nay, I am BLAMING this on hormones! One does not spend their entire youth playing sports and being athletic almost to the age of 40 to become the Guinness World Record holder of klutziness. So, for now all I can do is be proactive! I've got my Skechers on, I'm taking the corners wide and I'm getting the dog a helmet! See you tomorrow.